louisgray.com - Latest Comments in How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Mademoiselle_B — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 15:14:22 -0000

Wow. Total nutcase..

I've had to deal with a few 'stalkers' and the best way, the only way to deal with them effectively in order for them to go away, is to completely ignore them. Not give them any attention, reaction or impression that you have even read what they've sent. Because otherwise -- they will continue to send messages, hoping and waiting for the one you will react and respond to.. And then they've got what they wanted. My suggestion: block him on all social network sites, set up a filter in gmail so that his emails don't even make it to your inbox and go straight to trash, have your phone company block his calls and if somehow he gets through, say, by using a different email account, DO NOT respond and set up another filter to trash any mail from him. But no matter what you do, the most important thing is that from now on, you do not ever respond to or acknowledge any of his messages or attempts to contact you. None. Because as soon as you do, you're back to square one, as you've given him exactly what he wants so he's going to keep up the same behavior in order to get it again.... because he knows he can and he knows eventually it will work and you will give him attention and/or respond to him and his messages.

For real, that is the ONLY way to get rid of a stalker or obsessive person.

Good luck.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

kylelacy — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:04:05 -0000

That is creppy

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Susan Mernit — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 01:55:49 -0000

Great post! Truly scary how transparency can bring great connections...and unbalanced trolls.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Roger Kondrat — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 01:32:18 -0000

Louis, I only just now finally got through this post it was that important to me personally and I apologise now that I can't read the comments and see if someone else has said this but here it is for better or worse :)

I think this is sad clearly this person is off their crackerjack and needs some therapy. I think you have a duty though to report them as their behaviour may develop as time progresses and become more than just scary.

Also in the broader scheme it really is like all things in life though you take the good with the bad and thankfully most times its more good than bad by far and I think it is important to remember that right as this bad taste in your mouth could lead to changes in your behaviour like being guarded etc. Obviously those choices are personal but I just wanted to remind you of well basically what I think you already know in that sense.

Lastly I think its worth pointing out that in your last couple paragraphs you became a victim in my eyes by your tone and attitude.

"I made a few mistakes in this process. First, I was open to talking, being friendly with a person who I barely knew. The world of online social networks makes this commonplace. Later, feeling bad for ignoring all their messages, and wanting to not sound like a jerk, I had offered to help on a side-project, when I should have just blocked them outright on Facebook."

What you are doing now is finding your role in their mistakes but you don't have a role. I have been ignored in my life, I have had people not reply in 24hrs and much more additionally I have been on your end handing out the 'im busy' responses and never had a problem. Their behaviour is not normal and is entirely separate from you.

Anyway I would charge them with harassment because I would want a restraining order not because it works but that way I could discover who they are and where they live.

Hope you bounce back and move forward in a positive way.

All the best your FF Friend Roger ;)

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

merriam — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:21:51 -0000

That's enough trying to hide his identity. Presumably it's Alex Hammer, and he's still at it here in your comments. Jason Calacanis flagged him over a year ago.

http://www.calacanis.com/20...

"I've got some very strange dude emailing me over and over again with long lists of "friends on Facebook." ... I've heard from three or four notable people that he is a stalker."

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Korf — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 02:54:22 -0000

yikes dude! some real trippers out there. cool of you to share this with wider audience though - would be fun if ira glass picked up on this thread for a this american life episode (http://www.thislife.org)... and actually got the other guys POV too - why not? like not let this one slink off like a wounded skunk - but embrace and learn from it for everyone who is being open like you've so graciously been - but also this ambitious fellow who stepped over the often too "gray" line....

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Tgray — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 00:43:40 -0000

That's exactly what I was thinking! a type of automated response that keyed off a previous message... maybe someone's psychology class experiment!

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Jesse Stay — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:57:07 -0000

Hmmm...That's odd - not seeing the invite option any more. Does this mean
they're not growing any more? Wondering if I need to switch services.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

mjc — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:41:26 -0000

I thought GC wasn't handing out invites anymore :(

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

mjc — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:41:24 -0000

I thought GC wasn't handing out invites anymore :(

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Alex Hammer — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 21:51:54 -0000

My two comments below on your site to your post. Best wishes, Alex
Alex Hammer 8 minutes ago 1 point
Louis, thanks for the interview: http://www.louisgray.com/li......
Alex Hammer 5 seconds ago 1 point
Not that you need it but you have my permission to identify that that is me (to which this post refers). Suffice to say that there are two sides (or more) to every story, and I'm not going to get into that ditch.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Alex Hammer — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 21:42:21 -0000

Not that you need it but you have my permission to identify that that is me (to which this post refers). Suffice to say that there are two sides (or more) to every story, and I'm not going to get into that ditch.

Best wishes.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Alex Hammer — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 21:34:20 -0000

Louis, thanks for the interview: http://www.louisgray.com/li...

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Jeremiah Owyang — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:20:08 -0000

Time is money :)

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Ken R. — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:25:54 -0000

Louis--Yes, this seems easily over the line of creepy. Perhaps you might share a future post sometime on the challenge--ever present, but more applicable to the logistics and aesthetics of successful bloggers--of how to be simultaneously transparent and careful. That said, I hope you rarely have the occasion to think about the challenge again....

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

banane — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:53:49 -0000

Ugh, and double-ugh. These people ruin it for the rest of us! I hope you don't stop your open and friendly manner, Louis! I had this happen in various groups I've participated in. Something about being friendly and outgoing, and people flock to you, and usually it's the desperate and needy. I ran to the bathroom to escape one woman the other day at a Board Meeting, no lie. My brother gets the same treatment sometime (we're so popular!) and gave me a tip, of total non-communication, which it seems you picked up on after this whole episode. I do hope you remain your usual outgoing self, I do appreciate it! Also makes me think that these sites need better blocking/filtering methods for "friendships".

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Louis Gray — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:32:48 -0000

Liz, I think you're absolutely right, and I know that I wasn't the only person being pursued by this individual. I believe if he went to raise capital and promised that I or the second person being pursued were on board he thinks he would have a better story. But even on its face, the proposed business didn't make sense.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Liz — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 16:28:58 -0000

IF this guy had an actual startup (which may or may not be the case) part of his pitch might have implied you were going to be part of this venture. Hence, his going back & forth between desperately wanting you to join the project and acceptance that you had no interest. He might have been putting out fires (promises made) that affected his yo-yoing reaction to you.

It's impossible to know what motivated him, I'm just encouraging you to consider that might have been less an obsession with you and more that it is connected with external factors in his life. I hope this puts an end to the unwanted communication.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

David Cook — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:00:23 -0000

The price of being internet famous....? I guess....?

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

mdoeff — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:52:36 -0000

I'm going to repeat JC's comment...
Wow. Just... wow.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

charlieschmilsson — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:51:12 -0000

Ian McEwan's Enduring Love comes to mind. Scary book.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

Jesse Stay — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 12:57:07 -0000

You should get a GrandCentral number - then you can send all of this guy's
calls straight to voicemail or thin air. For my public number (801)
853-8339 I use GrandCentral so I can route my calls in this way. Let me
know if you need an invite. It's a shame that you even have to think about
this though - just a few people tend to ruin it for everyone else.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

dan — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 12:09:05 -0000

Oh that is just too bizzare, kinda scary too.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

IdoNotes — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 11:43:28 -0000

Send to spam, blacklist and block calls. Poof :-) Hence the reason you need GrandCentral (or similar) for phone routing and connection via the web.

Re: How One Would-be Web Friend Turned Into a Stalker In Months

JamieEi — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 10:57:19 -0000

Ouch, this guy sounds one step away from boiling your pet bunny. IMO you are being way too casual about this. You have no idea how nuts this guy is. If he contacts you again I'd seriously consider going to the cops.