-
Website
http://www.louisgray.com/live/ -
Original page
http://blog.louisgray.com/2008/08/how-one-would-be-web-friend-turned-into.html -
Subscribe
All Comments -
Community
-
-
Top Commenters
-
Popular Threads
All Comments
I think it took you too long to tell that person you were not interested, you should have been frank and say something like 'Please do not contact me anymore, i do not feel comfortable with you contacting me and i am certainly not interested in your venture". Maybe then the "stalking" would have stopped
You can still be the nice guy without putting up with crap like this. Cut em off and go about business as usual.
I would hate to see incidents like this affect yours or anyones engagement and accessibility in the community.
If it gets too bad you could always contact a lawyer - doesn't quite seem threatening ATM though.
And no, I doubt it'll get legal at any point. He'll see this and won't be happy with me, but that should be it. We'll see.
calls straight to voicemail or thin air. For my public number (801)
853-8339 I use GrandCentral so I can route my calls in this way. Let me
know if you need an invite. It's a shame that you even have to think about
this though - just a few people tend to ruin it for everyone else.
they're not growing any more? Wondering if I need to switch services.
Not sure if it's already out there, but someone really should create an etiquette document about communication and "friending" behavior online... for those that don't have the common sense to know what's appropriate and what's not. Then again, the target audience still probably wouldn't adhere to the etiquette guidelines.
Thank your for sharing this. My input is that you seemed to have replied too often and too politely when you could clearly see that this individuals behavior went well past the normal pattern of communication.
"Hire slow, fire fast" was a quote I heard some time ago. Friends on the web are one thing, but this conversation started taking a deeper turn into working and collaborating together.
You tried the polite route. Kudos. I would have been just as nice at first too. But when it hits that level of stalkerdom, it's time to cut to the chase and spell things out painfully clearly.
Then again, there is one woman who has been stalking me online for over 3 yrs now.
When they noticed I had disengaged, I got a directed message to the effect of "what's up with whole leaving thing?". I was actually thinking clearly that day and gave one reply that was to be my final response no matter what reaction it was going to get (that was my resolve). As concisely as possible, I stated matter-of-factly that I adjust my inbound and outbound flow of communication through these social network technologies to try and get the right data type and quantity. To that I added, admitted, that there was specific behaviour that had trigged my choice to disengage (there was slightly more detail, but not necessary here).
So, to recap: I conveyed that disengaging 1) aligned with an internal guideline that was reasoned, and 2) I tried to be honest by being clear that their specific action resulted in my specific reaction - so in other words, SHOW RESPECT by facing the concrete issue(s); people want to be heard and respected - they can often deal with being disqualified from X if handled respectfully, and in manner neither too terse nor too drawn out. The response was 'no response' (success!), which meant no flame war, and the issue was resolved (as far as I know).
Again, the whole thing wasn't a big deal, and remained at the level of 'socially strained' and 'a curiosity', but I guess that's the point.
Can't see you could do anything better,
I hope someday there will be some common profiles/identities across all services where it would be possible to block some individuals once and for all. Of course, people obsessed enough would find their ways around them, anyway.
This happened to me last year
I didn't give someone the attention they felt they deserved and they made my (and my company) life a misery. I think there is no right or wrong way to deal with this owing to the fact that you cannot be dealing with a sensible person.
In my case I had to acknowledge the person (and their encyclopaedic knowledge of the mobile industry despite having never worked in it) and they eventually went away. Hope it sorts itself out and you can get back to normality.
Forget that guy, why won't you work with ME ME ME? huh? ME?
Seriously, if the problem continues, maybe a few of us will need to give him an in-person, Silicon Valley, lead-pipe pitch. If you know what I mean.
In any event, thanks for sharing this disturbing experience; it can't have been the easiest thing to do. I've certainly never had to block anyone, but my impression is of a very immature person. Where you see immaturity, treat it as such. Personally, I'd make one clear communication that x behavior is unwanted for y reason, and the consequences of its continuation will be z. There is no further need of communication after that; simply enforce the consequences you specified, be that blocking, reposts of abuse to site owners, ... or whatever one does.
I think you've handled yourself admirably, and had far more patience than I would have done.
If someone starts out that awkward in an online discourse with you, odds are they are equally (if not moreso) awkward with everyone else, and not someone you want to be associated with, even loosely. I know you need to be careful about what you write because it can be make public later, but ignoring them after a polite goodbye may be the best call in future cases - they can't very well make your non-existent emails public. (They could make up emails, but that risk is there regardless.)
Can you filter their number to go straight to voicemail, or give a disconnected notice when they call, or at least change the ringtone (to silent) when they call? Now might be a good time to get a new phone number and start with a new phone number policy. I give out my GrandCentral number partially because it allows people to reach me when I'm out of the country (by forwarding to my # there without me having to pay $2/hr) and partially so I can filter who has access to me and when.
Glad you posted this, though, because you got the first word in just in case they were planning some sor of smear attack.
Wow. Just... wow.
It's impossible to know what motivated him, I'm just encouraging you to consider that might have been less an obsession with you and more that it is connected with external factors in his life. I hope this puts an end to the unwanted communication.
http://www.calacanis.com/2007/07/03/anyone-else...
"I've got some very strange dude emailing me over and over again with long lists of "friends on Facebook." ... I've heard from three or four notable people that he is a stalker."
Best wishes.
Alex Hammer 8 minutes ago 1 point
Louis, thanks for the interview: http://www.louisgray.com/live/2008/05/alex-hamm...
Alex Hammer 5 seconds ago 1 point
Not that you need it but you have my permission to identify that that is me (to which this post refers). Suffice to say that there are two sides (or more) to every story, and I'm not going to get into that ditch.
I think this is sad clearly this person is off their crackerjack and needs some therapy. I think you have a duty though to report them as their behaviour may develop as time progresses and become more than just scary.
Also in the broader scheme it really is like all things in life though you take the good with the bad and thankfully most times its more good than bad by far and I think it is important to remember that right as this bad taste in your mouth could lead to changes in your behaviour like being guarded etc. Obviously those choices are personal but I just wanted to remind you of well basically what I think you already know in that sense.
Lastly I think its worth pointing out that in your last couple paragraphs you became a victim in my eyes by your tone and attitude.
"I made a few mistakes in this process. First, I was open to talking, being friendly with a person who I barely knew. The world of online social networks makes this commonplace. Later, feeling bad for ignoring all their messages, and wanting to not sound like a jerk, I had offered to help on a side-project, when I should have just blocked them outright on Facebook."
What you are doing now is finding your role in their mistakes but you don't have a role. I have been ignored in my life, I have had people not reply in 24hrs and much more additionally I have been on your end handing out the 'im busy' responses and never had a problem. Their behaviour is not normal and is entirely separate from you.
Anyway I would charge them with harassment because I would want a restraining order not because it works but that way I could discover who they are and where they live.
Hope you bounce back and move forward in a positive way.
All the best your FF Friend Roger ;)
I've had to deal with a few 'stalkers' and the best way, the only way to deal with them effectively in order for them to go away, is to completely ignore them. Not give them any attention, reaction or impression that you have even read what they've sent. Because otherwise -- they will continue to send messages, hoping and waiting for the one you will react and respond to.. And then they've got what they wanted. My suggestion: block him on all social network sites, set up a filter in gmail so that his emails don't even make it to your inbox and go straight to trash, have your phone company block his calls and if somehow he gets through, say, by using a different email account, DO NOT respond and set up another filter to trash any mail from him. But no matter what you do, the most important thing is that from now on, you do not ever respond to or acknowledge any of his messages or attempts to contact you. None. Because as soon as you do, you're back to square one, as you've given him exactly what he wants so he's going to keep up the same behavior in order to get it again.... because he knows he can and he knows eventually it will work and you will give him attention and/or respond to him and his messages.
For real, that is the ONLY way to get rid of a stalker or obsessive person.
Good luck.